A break up letter to 2018

It’s been a few months since I’ve posted on here, but I’ve had a particular conversation with you, 2018, about 20 times in my head.

The outcome is always the same—we part ways.

Now I’m going to tell you why.

The beginning

When we set out on this journey, I was carrying the heaviest heart. I had seen it coming slowly for months, but nothing prepared me for the hurt and aching that was to follow. I pushed away the people who didn’t understand and I pushed away the people who DID understand. I found myself greeting you, alone, in the early morning of January 1st as the sun rose over Melbourne. I was full of an anxious energy that tasted bitter, but never the less I was ready.

In mid-January the pain claimed me in a way I had never experienced and I got on a plane back to San Diego in search of open, loving arms. I found them in the form of the incomparable Betsy Snowden, and the team of talented yogis at Indie Yoga in OB. I spent time in the Bay Area with Sarah and Erin too, which revived me in ways I am only now beginning to understand.

I went for a walk every morning down the OB pier with coffee in hand, staring out into the waves, waiting patiently for some kind of clarity to arrive. It wasn’t until I was in savasana on my mat that it came: I saw my third eye.

Sounds a bit woo-woo (strange, I know, but humour me if you will), but after one particularly powerful yin class, this blue and grey swirling eye appeared behind my eyelids.

 Tears started falling down my cheeks and I was overwhelmed with this feeling of calm, peace and an unshakeable feeling that everything was going to be all right. I had someone (or something) watching over me and they weren’t going to let me crumble.

Coming out of that yoga class, the world seemed instantly brighter. That’s when I started applying for jobs and, as luck would have it, I met the wonderful Natalie Khoo and booked a flight back to Melbourne to start working with Avion Communications.

The middle

Arriving back in Melbourne was not easy. I was still in a lot of pain and although my optimism had returned, I was battling some low level depression and a shitload of anxiety. What the f@#k had I done?

I had failed in my dream of living in the USA—again. The team at Avion didn’t care about all that stuff and they embraced me as if I had been working there forever. The biggest blessing and gift was getting that job and, 2018, I thank you for it.

Speaking of which, in June Nat let me in on her plans to take a 3-month sabbatical in early 2019 and she wanted me to step up and be a leader. I was nervous and excited by the prospect, but determined to embrace this opportunity. It’s funny how I felt like a complete mess inside and my personal life was in tatters, yet I was being recognised and rewarded at work. I guess it just goes to show that you can be both broken and complete at the same time.

So, my birthday rolled around in August and brought with it both highs and lows. Old friends disappeared, new friends showed up, and I had a glorious 3-day staycation at The Blackman hotel (you can read about some of the learnings I had in this post). Despite feeling a little lonely and uncertain of the life I was building, the space that this mini-break created was so desperately needed. Even though you’ve been a monster, you gave me these pockets of time 2018 and they were just big enough to let the healing begin.

October saw me travel to Bali to meet up with Betsy for a vacation in the sun. There was lots of beer and cheer, plus cluster migraines and a head cold. What an adventure. I woke up early every day and wrote in my journal, dreaming big and reconnecting with myself after a few hectic months at work. It felt wonderful.

November brought our Avion team ‘gateway’ at the incredible Sirromet winery in the Brisbane hinterland. We worked through a laundry list of things we wanted to improve as well as ate delicious food and bonded over wine. I taught the team yoga in a pagoda by the lake and slept more than I thought I would. It was equal parts refreshing and exhausting – another one I must thank you for, 2018.

The end

On your last day, I sit on my bed nursing a hangover from two days ago. An unplanned party erupted at my house and I just went for it. You know the kind of night that lasts long into the next day? Yep. That was me—sitting up, drinking wine til noon. Not my finest moment, but still a lot of fun. But you know what 2018, it’s not who I am anymore. If you’ve taught me one thing, it’s that the things I value in life are much greater than wine, beer and substances.

I’m going to do 2019 sober. I KNOW. I’m f@#king terrified. I’ve been drinking since I was a teen and I think the longest period of sobriety I had was about 6 weeks back in 2015 after my mum died and during a big Bikram yoga challenge.

I want to know what kind of person I really am.

I want to wake up every single day and nourish myself—not race to replace whatever booze or drugs have stripped from me.

I want to dedicate my life to helping other women step into leadership positions and find their voices.

I want to have a clear mind and full heart when it comes to relationships.

I want to write and draw every day and continue to hone my craft.

I can’t do any of those things if I’m consistently buzzed, drunk, high or hungover.

2018, we have to break up because there’s simply no other way. I’ve tried. You brought me out of the nightmare that was 2017, and I’m grateful for that, but it’s time to let me go. I understand that by walking into 2019 sober I’m going to be relinquishing a large part of my personality (and there will be people who will leave me for it), but I’m really ready.

I’m ready to let you go.

I’m ready to step into who I truly am.

I’m ready to live the heart-centred life I’ve been toying with.

I’m ready. I’m all in. Let’s do this.

*

How was your 2018? Is there anything you’ll be leaving behind? Tell me in the comments below!